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Saturday, March 12, 2005

The man with two girlfriends: FTMT Short Story No2

Here is the second short story illustrating some of the principles, ideas or aspects of Fairytale Management Theory. You may take whatever meaning from this what you wish.

The man with two girlfriends

Bob had never planned it this way; he only wanted a simple, single and selfish life. Few if any ties, a decent job, car, nights down the pub with his mates and a nice girlfriend. Of course holidays, the odd adventure, peace to watch sport etc. etc. all figured in his thoughts and maybe eventually, when the time came as it invariably would he’d settle down, presumably with the nice girlfriend. His present precarious position was not one he’d ever intended to occupy but now he did. Now in Bob’s life there were to quite distinct, different and individual girlfriends, neither of whom knew the other existed and who both were very much smitten by the (un) fortunate Bob.

The strange thing was he had met them both only one night apart in the same pub (but had made a point of not going back there since, despite their slight but puzzled protests). Sylvia was, as Bob would say “a mongrel blonde”, very nice to look at, about 28, working in a call centre and living in her own little flat on the south side. Donna was darker, mixed Bob thought, with brown eyes, straight chestnut hair and about 30. She was divorced, worked as a rep for feminine hygiene firm with company Toyota and lived on a housing estate on the east side.

Both girls were genuine sincere girls who in many similar ways were attracted to Bob with his wry sense of fun and humour, his quirky style and (to them) an honesty and down to earth niceness that was refreshing. Bob however sweated in the lonely weekday nights over his duplicity and sweated more over the now complex time buckets of social life he was jumping between each weekend. He was seeing Sylvia on a Friday and staying over then Donna on a Saturday and then staying over with her. Sunday was alternate partner’s day and Sunday evening sometimes involved one or two hour dates with fabricated excuses and explanations to cover. Sunday was no day of rest, and now Donna wanted to go out on Fridays and Sylvia wanted to go out on Saturdays and both wanted a long weekend and shopping/couch browsing/kitchen planning/bed testing on Saturday afternoons.

More over both had healthy appetites for what the lad’s would call “carpet pudding” and so between the driving, clubbing, shopping and storytelling, plus the regular and demanding carpet pudding, Bob was beginning to flag. He hadn’t really been able to confide with anyone about the problem, his mates if anything would have thought he was bragging or moaning needlessly about what to most of them was the ideal problem for a man to have, holding the attention of two attractive women. As it was some of his friends and drinking buddies would hardly have known what to do with one woman, so it was all too difficult and he bottled it up and the stress grew.

So today was Wednesday and another anxious weekend of juggling and avoidance was coming up. Prior to that he remained in amongst the mid week mobile chit-chat, remembering what he had told to who, where and when they were meeting, shopping lists and dates. The options were clear, ditch one, which one? Ditch both? Run away? Confide in someone? Suicide? Tough it all out and see what happens? Nothing worked.

That Wednesday evening around 11:15 after a series of unwittingly well orchestrated phone conversations to both ladies, Bob lay back on his bed tired out and exasperated with himself. He thought of further options: sell your soul to the Devil, become a monk, turn gay…”Well nothing there!” he though; and then without thought or warning he found himself praying. He hadn’t prayed since childhood, even then it had been a dutiful chore filled with confusing words and religious nonsense. This prayer was different, he sensed a cold grey light glowing deep inside himself and then words flowing easily but unexpectedly and occupying his mouth and escaping like strangers.

“God, wherever, whoever you are – because I don’t know, I’m a stupid stupid man, deceitful and lying and without a single idea how to move my life forward from this point, help me, give me the answer!” And with that he groaned and fell fast asleep.

The alarm ticked and tinged at 7AM. Bob’s eyes flickered open, he was still lying on top of his bed in yesterday’s clothes, his head hurt and he for a moment was unsure where he was. Familiarity dawned as he focused and resumed the wake up process, but as he did he was now aware of an odd pain in his groin and a discomfort between his buttocks. There was a lump there, squashy and foreign, at first he thought he’d soiled himself as he gingerly reached a hand down. He then felt an almost electric nervous sensation as he realised he was touching a penis, at the bottom of his back plumb between his buttocks. He jumped from the bed, screamed aloud and in a mixture of horror and disbelief dropped his trousers and stared at the reflection in the wardrobe mirror doors. He now had a new penis with all the accessories at his back, directly opposite the one, long time, and long-suffering member at his front. He gawked at himself unable to take in or understand this change.

He pulled at it and studied it gazing down and backwards into the mirror, first of all it seemed permanently attached, formed from real flesh, full of sensations and almost exactly the same in size and design as his original. No, it was not stuck on with super glue having been bought from a joke shop or sex shop, it was really real. A real (working?) second penis. He then realised that; as per usual first thing in the morning he needed to pee. Wearing his shirt and socks only he stumbled away from the mirror and headed for the bathroom, a hand holding and rolling each penis back and front. Almost without thinking and not automatically but instinctively he sat on the pan, both members pointing south and through both relieved himself. “Wow!” he finally allowed himself to exclaim as the two streams frothed the water in the toilet pan.

He flushed, washed his hands and returned to the bedroom mirror to look again. For an hour he stared at and examined himself, one degree from complete shock and a heart attack. He sat down, but sitting was odd unless he tucked it in and under and of course he felt strangely vulnerable on both sides. What if he slipped and fell and landed on it, there was no natural protection like the automatic cupped hands defensive move designed for the front. “Surgery” he thought; ”the doctor will know what to do, maybe this is a freak condition men of my age experience, one of those one in ten million things that usually happens to a Chinese man somewhere!”

He bundled his thoughts and decided to shower. The effect of the shower proved something else. The penis was in full working order. Now that the initial shock and panic was subsiding, and now that the shower experience had revealed some other aspects of life with two penises, Bob began to think more positively about this new addition to his body. He pulled on a pair of pants and a clean pair of jeans and tucked himself in as best he could. Then in the way that a woman would he studied his bum in the mirror. The jeans were a little baggy in the rear so the bulge of his new penis was only slight, “the problem would be”, mused Bob “what to do if at some point in the day it became a little excited and developed a mind of it’s own, as often happens”. At that it did and Bob reacted quickly by straightening it and settling it into his upper bum crack and the small of his back. “Baggy jumper” he thought, “and I’m not going into work today!”

In the kitchen he sat uncomfortably sipping coffee and thinking what to do next. He had already phoned the doctor, but could hardly tell the receptionist the type of problem he had, so he’d reluctantly settled for a routine appointment next day (Friday) later in the day prior to a date with one or other of the girls. It was about then that he remembered the prayer he’d blurted out the previous night. The words “help me, give me the answer!” came back to him and inside he suddenly felt queasy and strange. “The answer? What kind of bloody answer is this? The man with two cocks?” He thought for a moment..”The man with two cocks, the man with two girl friends?.. Help me, give me the answer!”
He was stunned. What kind of God was God? What madness, what kind of solution? He thought a little more and a slow wide smile appeared on his face, he supped more coffee and noticed that both penises were stirring in harmony with his thoughts as he reached for the phone. It was Sylvia he phoned first, then Donna but the message was the same with minimal extra chat or explanation. ‘Tonight, my place 7:30”. Both were free and agreed to come. Bob busied himself, tidied the flat, did some hoovering and ran out and bought a couple of bottles of champagne, which he placed in the fridge.

At exactly 7:30 the doorbell rang, the girls stood together at the door, puzzlement, confusion and the early stages of a possible anger attack running across both of their faces. Donna was in red, Sylvia in black. Bob knew now was the time to choose his words very carefully. “Ladies!” he began, “a pleasure to see you both!” He opened the champagne, filled the three glasses on the silver tray on the lounge coffee table and began his explanation. What followed was an evening and night none of the three would ever forget as Bob, flushed with a new honesty and appendage, held his small audience spellbound by firstly giving a brief and candid summary of his life over the past months. Next came a description of the previous night’s and morning’s events and finally and most shockingly for Donna and Sylvia, as they followed him into the bedroom a physical demonstration of (as Bob said) “the outworking of the power of prayer on the life of a desperate man”.

With eyes wide as saucers the ladies studied Bob’s anatomy and then as if hypnotised by a combination of Bob’s physique and rhetoric now joined him on the bed on which he was reclining. The bizarre, spontaneous and strenuous sexual coupling that then took place with Bob simultaneously satisfying both partners was to cement three life long relationships. Within weeks Donna and Sylvia and Bob had set up home together in a large house on the edge of town, quickly disposing of their previous properties and the formula lifestyles they had lived. Bob never looked back, firmly fixed in his belief that God it seems knows best and that it should always be possible to live and love happily ever after.

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