FTMT's Favourite Five Top Tenets

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Things that are interesting:

1) Interesting things.
2) Things that stimulate the latent interest nerves.
3) Things you can look at or into.
4) Things you can listen to or sounds you can create.
5) Puzzling things*.
6) New things that perhaps you’ve not noticed before.**
7) Surprising things***
8) People can at times be interesting and so demand a degree of observation.
9) Stories - in whatever form of media they are told.
10) Interest (general).

* Puzzling things are characterised by their normally very puzzling nature.
** Can also be puzzling.
*** Not dissimilar to puzzling things.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Almost Karma

I do what I do but then I did something.
Something else.
Something unheard, unseen.
Something you don't know.
Ties me to the universe, so I think.
But I always was, something.
Never everything, never nothing.
The things. The thing.
Ties me to the universe, almost.
Almost Karma.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

In the bathroom

In the bathroom keep scissors handy, you never know when you may need them.

Scotland, a land with so much where so little is done.

The media: At odds with itself and it's supporters.

Documentaries: Factual films without conclusions.

In the kitchen keep towels handy, preferably near your hands.

Cat food does not easily go down sink drains.

Sky 1 is a TV channel completely lacking in personality.

Cold sunglasses refresh the face like a lick from a passing sheep.

Scrabble: A game where familiar letters are made into unfamiliar words.

In the bathroom there is no music other than the rhythmic drip of the cold tap.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

In Praise

In Praise of Coca-Cola and all it's extraordinary properties: It holds our fragile world together, it scares the pants from the deadly spectre of the hangover, it makes a nice fssssssss noise, it features in glossy commercials, it has latent power, it is stronger than many Third World governments, it tastes quite nice, it is a lot better than Pepsi and I can tell.

Best of all it works like the warm demist setting on your windscreen and clears the fuzz, smog and cobwebs from inside your brain.

Friday, January 15, 2010

It's alright

It’s alright Grandma...

...I had a grandmother who knew the names of all the Christian Apostles and could recognise their images on apostle spoons, a well know series of tea spoons popular in Victorian Britain and later on in the East Neuk of Fife when the caught up. Apostle spoon recognition, what a gift and a useful and marketable skill. Would Muslim4UK, the well know text message based religious organisation approve of them? Probably not, they don’t seem to approve of anything apart from their own ridiculous world view. Must be tough and a tad stressful having to be right about everything all the time. Probably why they’re in a permanently bad mood with us all.

“Those that defend what they cannot see with the killer’s pride, security, it blows their minds most bitterly to think that death’s own honesty won’t fall upon them naturally , life sometimes must get lonely.”

Perhaps a better and more acceptable spoon would be “Karma Spoons”, they could only be used if you’d cleaned and cared for your last spoon. Failure to look after them could mean food poisoning , black fingernails, loss of inner peace and achieving an inferior standard of reincarnation next time over.

“And if I though dreams could be seen, they’d probably put my head in a guillotine.”

Events at a funeral I recently attended made me wonder about organising or if you like facilitating at a public debate between the good people of Muslim4UK, the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes, some Glasgow Rangers FC supporters and a group of tall blonde Nihilist from Berlin.. The topic would be “What aspects of human behaviour mark a true and loyal supporter of the British Crown and Constitution”, then the debate would run via text message only. I presume all of these groups have opposable thumbs.

“Advertising signs that con you into thinking you’re the one ,that can do what’s never been done, that can win what’s never been won. Meanwhile life outside goes on, all around you”.

Antediluvian of course means before the flood or more correctly “before the deluge” The period of time (1656 years) between creation and the flood. Unfortunately it was (apart from the sun, moon earth, animals, plants and mankind being created) a period of great wickedness and boredom. Imagine that a mere 1600 years into creation everything got so screwed up so quickly that such drastic action was required. Bugger. So the predominately wicked Antediluvian period came to a rapid and watery end when God sent the flood and so wiped out everybody apart from Noah, his immediate extended family, a few animals that had conveniently paired themselves off and naturally representatives from Muslin4UK who were accommodated in a separate boat. They did have a few problems getting a good phone signal however and argued amongst themselves a good deal of the time. Meanwhile the rain stopped, a dove found a branch and the rest is history according to our version of history that is.

Footnote: During the Antediluvian period 500 million humans were born and then mostly drowned or ran away to the south pole and froze. Their remains were pummelled into the soil by natural forces and subsequently turned into coal, diamonds, penguins and diesel. Overall then we’ve benefited from this whole event apart from the loss of the unicorns who died because they missed their time slot on the ark. They were listening to a Val Doonican song at the time via headphones.

“A question in your nerves is lit yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy and show you not to quit, to keep it in your mind and not forget that it is not he or she or them or it that you belong to. Although the masters make the rules, for the wise men and the fools, I got nothing Ma, to live up to.”

Comments in italics by Mr Zimmerman of course.

Thursday, January 07, 2010


The collected wisdom of Fairy Tale Management: part wop wop of an occasional series on good advice, suggestions and hints and tips for you from the deep pool of the Fairy Tale Oracle. Terms and conditions apply and there are other blog type things available but I've no idea where.

Always err on the side of gravity.
You can lead a horse to water but not a mouse.
Cooking can be complicated but with no guaranteed result.
Attention spans are shorter than the speaker might think.
A telephone call is a small voice far away.
You can live quite well without music.
Your odd socks will go unobserved.
Though urine is sterile beware of the strawberry jam.
The climate is whatever you get.
Those who drop litter are idiots.
You will be surprised by the output from the seeds you plant.
Families will argue more than friends.
The bottom of the freezer drawers are a mystery.
Clean what you can, no one will notice the rest.
A man without a tie has as much clout as a man with one.
Most people have already seen the thing you consider brand new.
Everybody gets stuck behind a tractor, there is no need to share the tale.
Standing still in the shower does not get your body wet all over.
Think whenever you can.
There is always a news headline but the weight of the stories change.
The days of pubs are numbered - sadly.
You cannot keep snowflakes alive.
There is care and there is extreme care but who knows the difference?
Your community is where you are, whether you like it or not.
It can get colder.
You may not be going anywhere.

Friday, January 01, 2010

White Rose

Every honest one of us
Remains ashamed these days
Never in my name we say
For all our children’s shame.

We will not be quiet
Who says yes means no?
We are your bad conscience
Sent to hold this white rose.

One day the veil falls away
While crimes stretch out to tell
Guilt can’t just evaporate
Your heads will fall as well.

Your heads will fall as well.

Here we all are

Lady Ronaele

No excessive use observed
But my dreaming leaks persist
The old age and the mystery
The punishing mental history
Inflated pictures and the dubious taste
Of my lost pleasures and their worn down waste.

Some dreadful social gaff
Unspeakable but such a laugh
The cure may be a tepid bath
Or an operation’s aftermath.

I’m stoical and belligerent
A new man, once intelligent
A customer and a complainer
Card carrying atheist and true believer.

So we rejoice in a machine gun membrane
A quality of life unpicked and scattered
To keep your chin up in dignity
With the hope that nothing mattered.

And no one noticed…
…then in walked Roderick Usher with the Lady Eleanor.

Based on the base of a true story by the Brothers Grimm.