It's alright

It’s alright Grandma...

...I had a grandmother who knew the names of all the Christian Apostles and could recognise their images on apostle spoons, a well know series of tea spoons popular in Victorian Britain and later on in the East Neuk of Fife when the caught up. Apostle spoon recognition, what a gift and a useful and marketable skill. Would Muslim4UK, the well know text message based religious organisation approve of them? Probably not, they don’t seem to approve of anything apart from their own ridiculous world view. Must be tough and a tad stressful having to be right about everything all the time. Probably why they’re in a permanently bad mood with us all.

“Those that defend what they cannot see with the killer’s pride, security, it blows their minds most bitterly to think that death’s own honesty won’t fall upon them naturally , life sometimes must get lonely.”

Perhaps a better and more acceptable spoon would be “Karma Spoons”, they could only be used if you’d cleaned and cared for your last spoon. Failure to look after them could mean food poisoning , black fingernails, loss of inner peace and achieving an inferior standard of reincarnation next time over.

“And if I though dreams could be seen, they’d probably put my head in a guillotine.”

Events at a funeral I recently attended made me wonder about organising or if you like facilitating at a public debate between the good people of Muslim4UK, the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes, some Glasgow Rangers FC supporters and a group of tall blonde Nihilist from Berlin.. The topic would be “What aspects of human behaviour mark a true and loyal supporter of the British Crown and Constitution”, then the debate would run via text message only. I presume all of these groups have opposable thumbs.

“Advertising signs that con you into thinking you’re the one ,that can do what’s never been done, that can win what’s never been won. Meanwhile life outside goes on, all around you”.

Antediluvian of course means before the flood or more correctly “before the deluge” The period of time (1656 years) between creation and the flood. Unfortunately it was (apart from the sun, moon earth, animals, plants and mankind being created) a period of great wickedness and boredom. Imagine that a mere 1600 years into creation everything got so screwed up so quickly that such drastic action was required. Bugger. So the predominately wicked Antediluvian period came to a rapid and watery end when God sent the flood and so wiped out everybody apart from Noah, his immediate extended family, a few animals that had conveniently paired themselves off and naturally representatives from Muslin4UK who were accommodated in a separate boat. They did have a few problems getting a good phone signal however and argued amongst themselves a good deal of the time. Meanwhile the rain stopped, a dove found a branch and the rest is history according to our version of history that is.

Footnote: During the Antediluvian period 500 million humans were born and then mostly drowned or ran away to the south pole and froze. Their remains were pummelled into the soil by natural forces and subsequently turned into coal, diamonds, penguins and diesel. Overall then we’ve benefited from this whole event apart from the loss of the unicorns who died because they missed their time slot on the ark. They were listening to a Val Doonican song at the time via headphones.

“A question in your nerves is lit yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy and show you not to quit, to keep it in your mind and not forget that it is not he or she or them or it that you belong to. Although the masters make the rules, for the wise men and the fools, I got nothing Ma, to live up to.”

Comments in italics by Mr Zimmerman of course.