FTMT's Favourite Five Top Tenets

Friday, May 02, 2014


If I were a girl, I'd make a point
of marrying a tall guy
and at the wedding I'd wear
stripper heels under my dress
so I could tower graciously
above all the guests.

If I were the recipient
of a banker's big bonus
I'd take over a restaurant for the night
maybe Tony Macaroni's
there would be pasta and wine
and much excited chatter
and I'd make it clear to all my guests
that money doesn't really matter

If I had a racehorse
It would be a bit of a dark horse
I'd expect it to win races
but as it crossed the finish line
I'd be looking at the bookies faces

If I was a television presenter
there on the exclusive couch
I'd wear a T shirt under my shirt
on it would be printed
“fuck the lot of you.”

If I was the kind of person
who's in literature
who speculates
I wouldn't consider this type of writing to be

If I was a music teacher I'd say to my pupils
“stick to the pentatonic”
because all those natural scales
sound bloody chronic.

“If” is a film
by Lindsay Anderson
I saw it when I was fifteen
or some age between
black and white
it may have had an certificate X
I forget

“If” is a song on Atom Heart Mother
Track 3, side 2 on vinyl
I had a copy but it was destroyed
in a fire.
Telly Savalas got to number one
with another “If”
not the Pink Floyd one.

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